The Story So Far:

Six years ago, Max Best, an everyday guy whose stand-out quality was a top, top, haircut, saved an old man from a potentially dangerous situation and was 'rewarded' with the powers of an elite football manager. Max has the interface of Soccer Supremo, the football management game, stuck in his head.

Through this interface, which Max calls 'the curse', he can view the squad lists of his various teams and get real-time information about his players' mood, fitness, and career intentions. He can search a database of footballers, which expands when he views new players in the flesh. Watching live football earns him experience points, which he can use to buy new powers. This makes him by far the best Director of Football in the world and explains why his teams can improve year-on-year despite their financial constraints.

But it's during matches when Max's skills really come to the fore. He can switch tactics and formations at the speed of thought. He can see which players are excelling, which are struggling, and which are injured. Oh, and acquiring the curse accidentally turned him into one of the best players in the world, too. No biggie.

He's overpowered and he needs to be, because he is the manager of the ultimate minnows, Chester FC, and their budget is by far the lowest in the Premier League. After a bruising, painful start to their first season in the top tier, Chester scrapped and fought and dragged themselves off the foot of the table, and with reinforcements about to join the squad, the future was looking a little more rosy.

That was when Max was hit by the dire news that his boss (MD) and his CFO (Brooke Star) were quitting. The Max-as-dictator memes were already circulating, and now he’s going to be totally alone at the top of the hierarchy.

That was quickly followed by a second bombshell, dropped by his wife during Christmas dinner...

The Great Escape is still on, but time is running out for Chester. If they hope to remain in England's top tier, they need to pick up points and they need their superstar player-manager to be on the ball.

Fortunately, Max is a big, strong, tough guy, a strategist, someone who absorbs new information with unflappable equanimity. He bestrides the world of football like a colossus, he is a floating megabrain, he is unshackled and ready to ascend.

Yeah, this is going to be fine.

***

"Oh my God oh my God oh my God." Max Best

***

CURSE ELEMENTS REFRESHER

Soccer Supremo Player Profiles

Born x.x.x (Age xx) Nationality

Acceleration xx Flair xx Set Pieces xx

Aggression xx Handling xx Stamina xx

Agility xx Heading xx Strength xx

Anticipation xx Influence xx Tackling xx

Balance xx Jumping xx Teamwork xx

Bravery xx Long Shots xx Technique xx

Creativity xx Marking xx Work Rate xx

Crossing xx Off The Ball xx

Decisions xx Pace xx preferred foot L

Determination xx Passing xx Form x-x-x-x-x

Dribbling xx Positioning xx Morale Good

Finishing xx Reflexes xx Condition 100%

CA xxx PA xxx

Gk DLRC M F

***

Selected Notes:

Attributes are rated out of 20, though it is possible to go beyond. Linford Christie might have been Pace 25 in his prime, for example, though his player profile would have shown 20. Attributes can be raised through training (or via Max shouting at a player at the right time), and Attributes can and do decay over time.

Set Pieces refers to situations where the action has been stopped, for example a free kick, penalty kick, or a corner kick. A high Set Pieces rating makes players more effective in those situations, although there are hidden Attributes that tie in to a player's ability to hit crosses and to take penalties. Max is fairly relaxed about not knowing those values because it's quite possible to estimate them based on what a player does in matches and in training.

Agility, Handling, and Reflexes are mostly used by goalkeepers. (Almost every player in Max's database has Handling 1.)

Influence was renamed Leadership in later versions of Soccer Supremo (Max played an old one because he was poor). It is most useful for captains; Max has a perk that can triple the captain's Influence score a few times per season. (See below.)

Creativity and Flair are similar but not identical. Creative players can pass the ball forwards in a way that creates danger. Flair players like to do tricks and skills. Max has a complicated relationship with flair players. On the one hand, they are fun and exciting and that's almost the whole point of the sport. On the other hand, if they try to do something fancy instead of something that will lead to a goal, that's absolutely maddening.

Off the Ball and Positioning are somewhat opposite Attributes. Positioning is for defensive players and rates how likely they are to stand where they're supposed to stand. If the ball is on the right of the pitch, they should probably shuffle over in that direction. If there are big spaces between them and their fellows, they should probably close those spaces. Off the Ball is that but inverted. It shows how good attacking players are at finding space. Max has learned not to sign attacking players with low Off the Ball ratings - the rest of their talents are useless if they can't appear in the right space at the right time.

Max values Technique and Passing more than most managers who work in England. He is willing to sign short players with low Strength and Stamina if those players are good with the ball at their feet. All players need a base line of Teamwork.

But the Attribute he values above all others is Decisions. Playing the right pass to the right player at the right moment is the difference between the great players, the great teams, and the also-rans. If Chester outperform a team with more budget, it is likely to be because Chester don't have idiots on the pitch while the other team have plenty.

Finally, the most important numbers on a player profile are CA and PA. CA means Current Ability and is rated out of 200. In the Premier League, players need to have a CA of around 150 in order to survive - though highly-optimised players like Pascal Bochum (CA 140) can play a role. PA is Potential Ability. Chester's women's team have a player (Meredith Ann) with PA 200, which suggests that if she can reach her ceiling, she will be the best player in the world. She is CA 113 now, so she is some way short of receiving that accolade, but to be fair she is still only 19...

Max has a series of perks that allow him to expand a player's PA by a small amount, but essentially, high-PA players are like gold dust and are paid accordingly.

***

Max's In-Match Perks

Bench Boost: Once per season per competition, Max can make his substitutes play better. Those subs seem to be about 10% more useful than their raw CAs would suggest, which makes this a very powerful tool. Max has used it in this season’s Premier League (against his wife's parents' team because he's a bit of a dick), but still has it available in the FA Cup, a competition he dreams of winning this year.

Triple Captain: Trebles a captain's Influence score, subject to the same usage restrictions as Bench Boost.

Free Hit: Increases the chance of a set piece leading to a goal by 10%. Can be used once per game. Max tries to use it on penalty kicks, but there are no guarantees a penno will be awarded in a match.

Masterpiece Theatre: Gives Max some amount of control over where his players stand during set pieces. For example, he can ask everyone to stand at the near post (the one closest to him). Chester has a set pieces coach who designs 'plays', and Max goes along with her ideas most of the time.

Cupid's Arrow: Connects two chosen players for 15 minutes. Passes between those players are more likely to succeed and the players are generally more in sync.

Seal It Up: A 15-minute boost to the defence's Positioning score. Helps the team to defend for that period. Max uses this when he expects the opposition to attack hard, but also when he's about to attack hard, since this perk allows him to take more risks.

Happy New Yie-Ar: A 10-minute team-wide boost that makes one-twos (also called wall passes) easier to complete. Max uses this in phases when his side have more possession or are using the Relationism module.

***

Modules

There are three main ways to play professional football.

Positional Play. This is the current 'meta' in world football. It involves players robotically obeying the instructions of their manager. If his instructions are carried out perfectly, the team will create superiorities in different parts of the pitch and will be impossible to stop. The most common way to set up a team in the 2028/29 season is '4-2-3-1'. That's four defenders in a line, two guys patrolling in front of them, three creative forwards, and a striker.

Relationism. The exact opposite of Positional Play. The manager takes a back seat and his players take control. This usually involves them moving closer to each other, hugging the sidelines of the pitch, and forming a rectangular 'blob' inside which they move the ball with clever passes, skills, and tricks. Max brought Relationism to the UK from Brazil and uses it sometimes to bamboozle opponents. He doesn't completely trust it in big matches, though, especially because some of his older players are not used to playing like that. Max taught a handful of Welsh coaches how to coach Relationism and they are using it with the youth teams of Saltney Town (now the dominant club in Welsh football) and the young national teams. In Wales, the style is called Dragonball.

Hybridism. A relatively new invention, not fully tested. It combines the structures of Positional Play with the flair and dynamism of Relationism. Max needs to save 9,000 XP to officially unlock this module, but early indications are that it works amazingly well. After years of grinding and grafting, it seems that Max has absolutely nailed it... And best of all, no other team can copy it, because they have to learn Relationism first. Result. Get in. Come on!!!!!

***

Chapter 1 - Celebrity Escape to the Country

Friday, January 5, 2029

[We see shots of gorgeous green landscapes, rolling hills, trees, a couple of cheeky sheep.]

[Cut to a TV presenter called Barry, a white man in his late 50s. Amongst fans of the show he's known as 'the handsome one'. If you think he looks like the kind of man who has whimsical, non-perilous adventures and holds meditation workshops, please join a casting agency immediately because you have a helluva gift. He's in shot with Emma Best, née Weaver, and this is clearly a preview of what’s coming up.]

Emma: "Gucci wallpaper? Barry, don’t tell Max!"

Barry: "That would be an own goal, would it?"

Max: [Appearing on a balcony that overlooks the main living area.] "Don’t tell me what?"

Emma: [Looking up at Max.] "We’re just admiring the…" [She gestures, desperately.]

Barry: "The steel balustrades that extend the sense of size and scale."

Max: [Looking left and right.] "Totally. Balustrades, yeah. I was going to ask about the balustrades."

[Cut to Barry, Emma, and Max Best walking down a leafy driveway towards a house, then shots of streams, trees, and mullioned windows.]

Barry (in voice-over): "We're kicking off our latest series with a goalscorer whose latest goal is to transfer to a premier property, one with enough space to welcome the latest addition to his team. Will I be able to find him and his wife the winning formula, or will they give my ideas the red card?"

[Cut to Max in a kitchen.]

Max: "Huh. These are the tiles they've got in the dressing rooms at Wembley Stadium."

[Cut to Emma in a bedroom.]

Emma: "Is that an entire shelf of The Da Vinci Code? Babes, look. It's an entire shelf."

[The music swells, then soars, as almost impossibly-idyllic scenes of the UK's countryside come and go. The sequence ends with a view of a cottage with a thatched roof.]

TITLE: CELEBRITY ESCAPE TO THE COUNTRY

[Music fades.]

Barry, on a low stone wall, to camera: "Escape to the Country is a property show dedicated to finding the best rural properties on the market, but there are elements of a football match about it. There's teamwork and compromise, walls and corners, and sometimes, a rebuild. Let's hope it doesn't come to that with the properties I have chosen this time!

"Today's celebrity escapee is Max Best, the player-manager of Chester Football Club. He took Chester from the lower divisions to the Premier League, went one step further with Saltney Town, the small Welsh club who are still fighting in this season's Champions League - I can't believe I'm saying that - and had a one hundred percent win rate during spells at Bayern Munich and the Welsh national team.

"Max knows all about hiring experts, whether that's coaches, physiotherapists or scouts, and that's why, when he was looking to move to a bigger house, he called Escape to the Country."

[Cut to Barry, Emma, and Max at Bumpers Bank. Emma is blonde and beautiful, smiling, radiant, queenly. Max is tall and athletic and has incredibly good hair, but there are flecks of grey around his parting. He is staring into the distance, barely blinking.]

Barry: "So, Max and Emma, welcome to the show. We're here at Bumpers Bank, Chester's training ground. Across the road is the Deva Stadium. While Max was training, I've been on a tour and what a hive of activity it is! Absolutely brilliant, so much fun to see the inner workings of a Premier League club, but so much construction work! It's everywhere you look. I'm guessing you're both very familiar with having the builders in."

Emma: "We are, yes, but this work now isn't so bad. To the right it's a couple of new pitches, another gym, some more buildings for media events and so on. To the left it's the new academy and more pitches. Okay, you've got lots of diggers and cranes and trucks beeping all the time and it is noisy but the core of Max's work and the club's work is here in the middle. That door just there is the video analysis room, this one close to us is the canteen and medical, and just behind it is the main training pitch and the gym. Now imagine these buildings going up while the players are trying to train! That was ten times worse; this is tranquil by comparison!"

Barry: "So this is Chester's home. Tell us about your current home and why you've called us."

Emma: "It's lovely, we love it. It's a small cottage, quiet, full of character, Max got the garden nice, it's absolutely perfect. But I am... [She hesitates for a fraction of a second, which makes Max turn to stare at her.] I'm pregnant. [Max seems to have been expecting her to say a different word; he tries to hide a grin, which makes Emma grin.] So we need more space."

Barry: "Congratulations! So apart from more space, what else do you need?" [Emma pokes Max.]

Max: "Er... I need to be able to drive to here, obvs, and ideally it would be in range of Manchester, where I go to check on my mum. The main thing is that it's private and secluded."

Barry: "Security is a big topic for you."

Max: "Yeah, I got put in a coma by a deranged fan and ever since, I haven't done anything remotely dangerous."

Emma: "I wish."

Max: "Yeah, we just need to step it up a notch. People think footballers' homes are full of fancy watches and expensive handbags and that sort of thing. Maybe that's true for some of us but Ems and I don't have anything like that but we're targets anyway. I don't want some gang bursting in, going feral because the most expensive thing they could steal is a hundred-quid bottle of champagne I’m saving for the last day of the season. There's that story of when some idiots broke into Duncan Ferguson's house and he battered them and I'd do the same except if there's a baby in the house I'm not going to be taking any chances. [He pulls his fingers down his face.] Oh, God."

Emma: "Max needs a gym so he can keep his seven-pack and not get dad bod."

Max: "I don't need a gym; I can come here and train. But we need to have space that could be converted into a gym."

Barry: "I was wondering about that. You train in the morning, don't you?"

Max: "We do football training, skills training, tactics, all that stuff. Then we go home and rest but most players do extra in the evenings. Strength work, conditioning, all kinds of rehab and prevention. There's that belief that people think footballers train for an hour a day. You don't get very far if that's all you do."

Emma: "A pool would be good."

Max: "No, thanks. Little Baby Auspicious Day is not going to drown in a pool, not on my watch."

Barry: "Auspicious Day? What a charming name."

Emma: "Don't listen to him, he's gone potty. We won't pick a name that gets our child bullied at school. I want something plain and unremarkable, like Peter, Sarah, or Felonius."

Barry: "You mention school. You'll want to be in a good catchment area?"

Max: "No, it doesn't matter. School's just a place a kid goes to be socialised and to have his heart broken three times a week. Everything he learns will be after school, here at Bumpers. He'll learn maths by helping our new CFO make the numbers dance for compliance with UEFA's financial rules. He'll learn science by helping the groundsmen monitor the nitrogen levels and watching the physios mend bones. And he'll learn English from my half-time team talks."

Emma: "He'll learn how to swear, you mean."

Max: "I don't even swear that much! It's all Shakespeare, Dickens, Chaucer, Churchill. The full breadth and majesty of the English language!"

Emma, to Barry: "It's mostly Max talking about Die Hard."

Max: "Okay, sure, I do talk about Die Hard a lot, but why wouldn't I? It's a flawless masterpiece. But look, I think we will live in the next place for a few years but how long will I be the manager of Chester FC? In five years I might be done with the sport and we'll move back to Manchester so I genuinely don't care what the schools are like."

Emma: "What he means is, if the school is really bad, he'll wade in and fix it." 

[Max shrugs; she's not wrong.]

Barry: "So we're looking for security, privacy, enough space for a gym, possibly a child-safe pool. Anything else?"

Max: "Just space space space. I want to turn one room into a mini spa. I'll take Little Baby Agamemnon for a couple of hours while Emma gets her nails done and has a snorey massage."

Emma: "I don't snore."

Max: "Oof. She said that. Okay and yeah if there's a big garden, that's top. I'll create little zones with mud toys, sand, a playground, a wildflower meadow so we can start learning about plants and insects and birds. Hedgehogs! But it doesn't need to have all that on day one. If the bones of the house are good, I'll work around it."

Barry: "And the budget?"

Max: "Infinity pounds. Let's say two million but I can go higher for the right place. Oh, one thing I forgot, it's good if a lot of the space is on the ground floor because sometimes after matches I can barely walk and I get injured a lot."

Emma: "I'm worried our child won't learn to walk because Max crawls around so much."

Max: "I don't crawl. I roll, I wriggle, I writhe, but I don't crawl."

Barry: "How about I drive you to the first house I want to show you?"

Emma: "Lead the way!"

***

[Cut to: the three in a car. Barry is driving. Max is in the passenger seat, staring at nothing, biting his thumb nail.]

Barry: "How long have you lived in Chester?"

Emma: "Max has for about six years. I was a little later."

Barry: "So you know the area quite well."

Emma: "Quite well, and we would have enjoyed looking for a property for ourselves, but it's a critical time of the footballing calendar so Max can't spare the capacity to think about it. We're in the transfer window, which is his only opportunity to change the squad until the summer."

Barry: "How did Max react to the news you were pregnant?"

Emma: "Typically weird. He did nothing for ages, just stared at me gormlessly, then he said 'oh shit', raced to the sofa, grabbed all the cushions, tucked me in - I was at the dining room table for Christmas dinner - took away my plate, saying 'you can't eat that', and turned to my mother and said, 'I need two CCs of sweet potato, a yam, and two apples, one green, one red for maximum nutrition."

Max: "I didn't do that."

Emma: "He did!"

Max: "Any of the other witnesses will tell you, Barry, that I was calm. Stoic. Delighted, of course, excited and thrilled, but mostly I was staunch. Emma dearest, I said, we must begin to plan our next steps forthwith. Item one, we need a phone number for Barry from Escape to the Country."

Barry: "Priorities."

Max: "I knew at once that we needed a bigger house. Who else would I turn to?"

Emma: "Sorry to burst this bubble, Barry, but Max had never seen the show. I vividly remember telling him about it while he was curled into a ball on the floor of my parents' conservatory. He said it sounded naff and wrong but he agreed to watch an episode and he really liked it. He said I should ask if you're happy with your agent, which is a massive compliment."

Barry: "I'll take it. Did the news affect Chester in the next three matches, do you think?"

Max: "Um... no? I can see why you'd think that. We beat Newcastle, things looked up, then after Christmas it was a trip to Leeds. They're bottom of the league, we had just overtaken them, so it would be an easy three points, yeah? No way. You don't just waltz into Elland Road and expect to win, not ever. Some of the bookies had us as favourites, which is wild since in December they were paying out on us being relegated, but realistically the teams are close and Leeds had home advantage."

Emma: "And Max was banned by the thought police for two games."

Max: "Unrelated to the pregernancy."

Emma: "The what? Soz, say that again, babes."

Max: "The producers don't want us to repeat things, babes. Basic showbiz. Okay it was 1-all against Leeds and nil-nil against Brentford. Brentford are really tough, so there's no disgrace in that. A few days later we were off to the Midlands, where we lost 1-0 to Aston Villa. I mean, not great but we're still 19th in the table, and Villa beat us 2-0 early in the season. Back then we were pretty awful, but this time we stretched them, made it a contest, which shows we're improving. Two points from three games isn't enough to keep us in the Premier League, but we gave minutes to Willi Tillmann, a German left-back, and Foquita, a Peruvian striker. They're going to help us a lot in the next sixteen league games."

Barry: "And in the FA Cup tomorrow. Are you optimistic?"

Max: "About the rest of the season or the house you're about to show us?" [He turns, beaming.] "That's how you do TV, babes. That link was perfection."

Barry: "I'll claim an assist on that one. Okay, we're nearly there!"

***

[They gather outside a Georgian house. It's cute and Emma likes it but it's clearly not to Max's taste.]

Barry: Now, normally we would have told the viewers where we were, but we're not doing that today for the sake of your privacy. What are your first impressions?

[They discuss the look and feel of the house before going inside. Max's interest grows as they travel around. It's beautifully decorated, very tasteful. They arrive in the kitchen.]

Max: "Oh, yes. That's gorg. That's really nice."

Emma: "So good. [She affects a Spanish accent.] So so good this kitchen."

Max: "The whole thing is bosh. You barely need to change anything."

Barry: "What's one thing you would change?"

Max: [Opens and closes various drawers.] "You've got the cutlery drawer here, which is right, but I need a second one."

Barry: "A second cutlery drawer?"

Max: "Yeah, I've started to like eating with small cutlery. Teaspoons and small forks."

Emma: "Normal-sized knives."

Barry: [After a delay.] "I rather think I'm being teased."

[Max and Emma exchange a glance.] 

Max: "Next time you're about to dig into a tub of ice cream, get yourself a tiny spoon and try it. It's a gamechanger, mate. Trust me."

Barry: "I'll leave you to explore the upstairs and I'll meet you outside. Past the heated swimming pool, by the paddock."

Max: [Alarmed.] "Paddock?"

Emma: [Enchanted.] "Paddock?"

Barry: "There are 8 stables, 10 acres, and an Arctic Lodge."

Max: "Veto, we're leaving."

Emma: "Max!"

Max: "You're not getting on a horse ever again. Scratch that. When Little Baby Annika Rice turns 18, then you can get on a small, slow donkey. Until then, nu-uh."

Emma: "What do you think's going to happen?"

Max: "I think you're going to fall and break your neck and I'm going to have to raise a human child on my own and can you imagine how that will turn out?" [He rubs his face hard.]

Emma: "I always wanted a horse."

Max: "You can have an ornamental pony. One of those Scottish ones that is cute. Top speed three miles an hour. Wait, we'll get two and a carriage and they can pull you around. We'll set up a course and do races! [He's excited, briefly, but his face falls.] But you're not getting on the back of a horse. [His face falls even further.] Wait - we can't have ponies or horses because then the kid will grow up thinking they're safe. 

"Here's the plan. If we buy this house, we’ll put up loads of signs saying 'danger, horses,' and we'll have bluetooth speakers in the paddock that play horrific noises all day and all night and we'll hire actors to run into the swimming pool and jump in and there's blood everywhere and they're screaming that they've just had their arms bitten off by the beasts."

[There's a pause. Emma licks her lips.] Emma, to Barry: "We're still working out our parenting style. Couple of teething problems."

***

[After the tour, the trio gather where they started. Max and Emma try to guess how much the property costs. Max says 2.7 mill. Emma says 2.]

Barry: "It's actually on the market for offers over 1.5 million."

Max: "Wow. What the hell? That's amazing. It's an amazing property."

Emma: "That's genuinely unbelievable. Are you sure?"

Barry” [With a smile.] "I'm sure. It's too remote for most people, though of course for you it's perfect. We have more properties to see, but can I take it you are tempted?"

Max: "It works in terms of going to Chester, but it's a little too far to Manchester for me. I'm not dead against it, but I like to be within an hour in case anything happens to my mum. But this place, it's so nice, so well-thought out, there's the pool, the outdoor kitchen, the alpine lodge thing. I'd be tempted to buy it and rent it to a footballer, one with above-average taste. It's mint."

Barry: "I'm pleased. A good start to the match! The next one is better geographically and I think the outside will be more to your taste. Let's head towards it!"

***

[In the car.]

Barry: "You're very young to be a football manager, Max. In my day, you never saw one under 60."

Max: "I'm an outlier but it's not a surprise to see a manager getting a chance when he's in his early 30s. Especially if it's a guy who got a bad injury when he was in his early 20s. You start your coaching journey, do well at a small club, move up. Those guys need some outstanding quality so that the players get behind him, but it's perfectly possible."

Barry: "What's your outstanding quality?"

Max: "Me? Nothing, really. I'm bang average. [He briefly gets smug.] But I don't need to get buy-in from the players, right, because I'm not just the guy who picks the team. I'm the director of football, which means I do pay rises and contract renewals. I don't need them to like me or think I've got great tactics. They do what they're told or they regret it. The book of this stage of my life will be called Tactics and Tyranny. Wait, Tyranny and Tactics."

Emma: "Dictator of Football."

Barry: "Oh, I like that!"

[Max frowns, loudly.]

Barry: "Is he really such a terror, Emma?"

Emma: "[In a stage whisper.] Watch this. [Normal voice.] Max, I feel a bit queasy."

[Max stares straight ahead, stern, his expression carved from granite. He is utterly implacable. Until he isn't. He turns.] Max: [Softly.] "You're doing a joke, right? You're rinsing me?"

Emma: [Softly.] "I'm rinsing you."

[He nods, faces forward, bites his nails. Barry asks him a question but he doesn't hear it. Emma reaches forward to take Max’s hand; she squeezes it. He squeezes back. Barry glances at Max and smiles.]

***

[The next house is enormous, ridiculously grand, ornate, luxurious. Half a mile of driveway just to get to the manor house, 22 acres of lush manicured lawn, established gardens, even its own lake. Think parquet floors, think marble, think grandiose sun terraces, think cornicing that has somehow survived 170 years. In the stunning dining room, Emma jokes that in such a space, 'he' could be taught table manners. Barry gets the joke, slaps Max on the back, and says 'Take the cutlery from the outside in, whatever size you are offered'. Max sticks his tongue out and when the show is broadcast, twenty thousand red-blooded Englishmen think, 'he's not so bad, him'.]

[They chat in the kitchen, as ever, while Max and Emma marvel at what they have seen so far. Max says, 'It's incredible but even on Premier League money there's no way we can afford this.' Barry smiles to himself and suggests they go upstairs to look around.]

[After a few stops in the stupendous bedrooms and bathrooms, Max comes to an abrupt halt in what is clearly the room of a teenaged boy. Max sinks onto the bed and holds his head in his hands. Emma rushes to him.]

Emma: "Babes, what's up? Max, talk to me."

Max: "It's a dead kid, babes. Look." [She looks but doesn't get what he means. He points to posters of footballers.] "Kid's a Liverpool fan. See the posters? You've got your Trents and your Salahs but see? Sturridge. Lallana. Half that team were gone by 2020. Why's he still got the posters up?" [His bottom lip wobbles.] "It's a mausoleum. We're in a tomb."

Emma: "No, Max, come on. It's... It's something else."

Max: "Daniel Sturridge, Emma! 2013 to 2019! No-one's slept in this room for ten years!"

[Emma looks around the space, realises Max is right.] Emma: "Bleep."

***

[Cut to an unusually awkward and embarrassed Barry standing outside the property with Emma, who is trying to smile, and Max, who can only look down at the ground.]

Barry: "Um, okay, so that took an unexpected turn. [Silence. He continues, gently.] I've been in touch with the vendor. His son is alive and well. [Max perks up.] You're right that his room hasn't changed much in the last ten years but that's because the vendor and his wife went through a divorce."

Max: "Oh thank bleep!"

Barry: [Kindly.] "It's certainly preferable to the alternative but the vendor didn't want to change the decorations and his son did sleep here many times in the past few years. All is well, Max, all is well."

Max: "Do you promise?"

Barry: "I promise."

Max: [Pinches his nose.] "We're playing Liverpool next Saturday. I'd like you to invite them to the Deva to watch it. Dad and son, together. We'll put them up in a nice box. Food, drink, meet some of the bleepers who play for the bleeping bleeps."

Barry: "I'll get right on it. But first, we must observe the formalities. You like the house, yes? You think it's out of your price range. Would you care to take a guess at the asking price?"

Emma: "It's got to be 4 million or so."

Max: "20 acres and an Olympic equestrian centre as your next-door neighbour? I mean, it's 4 million and then some. Like... [In a small voice.] I could do it, but what if my mum..."

Barry: "I'm ecstatic to tell you that this is on the market for 2.2 million."

Emma: "Bleep off!"

Max: "Babes, he's rinsing us. It's a giant prank. The whole thing is someone tormenting me for perceived misdeeds."

Barry: [Laughing.] "It's 2.2 million, I swear! I take it that at such a price, you would be interested?"

Max: "Interested? I'd be a bloody fool not to buy it. It's perfect!"

Barry: "Even with the crest of Liverpool built into the walls?"

Max: "It's Liverpool the city, not the football club. I love Liverpool. I love the people of Liverpool. [He mumbles.] Especially when they support Everton... [Enthusiastically sweeping his head around.] Holy cow, this place is amazing. It's amazing. Ducks, geese, hares. You said there were stoats? I've never seen a stoat."

Barry: "The current owner says that from the rear lounge, the windows allow you to see out to the lawn and the lake and all sorts of animals will appear. He says it's like living in a nature reserve. Ducklings, moorhens, goslings, owlets."

Max: "Did you say owlets? What's a moorhen? Oh my God... We could turn an acre into a hedgehog hotel, still have 20 acres left. What the hell... It's unreal. I don't get it. Why's it so cheap?"

Barry: "Inexpensive might be a better word for something this grand."

Max: "Oh, shit, right. I'm being crass. I don't mean to be insensitive; I know how hard it is for people right now with the cost of living but I've seen a lot of properties in this price range and you don't get this quality, you don't get this level of detail or craftsmanship and you don't get 20 acres of goslings and owlets! A gosling is a little..." [He makes a shape with his hands.]

Emma: "It's a baby goose, bebs."

Max: "Baby goose..." [His face crumples.]

Emma: "Let's get in the car, Bazza. Come on, babes. Oh my God... Sit in the back with me."

***

[Cut to the trio in some kind of park. Max is pushing his fist into his jaw and his eyes are wide and yet again staring at nothing.]

Barry: "It's a tradition on our show to have a little competition. We know that Max is a wonderful footballer but we thought perhaps we could level the playing field."

[Max snaps out of his funk, looks around.] "Is this footgolf?"

Barry: "It is. Have you played before?"

[Max smiles at Emma. She bites her lip.] Emma: "We played once when Max was just out of his coma. He could barely walk so I thought, a-ha! Now's my one chance to beat him at the sport he has mastered."

Barry: "And did you?"

Emma: [Sighing.] "What do you think? He's actually incredible."

Barry: "Ah. Perhaps this was misjudged."

Emma: "Of course not! It's still fun, isn't it? And you'll get to see Max's skill up close."

Max: "Babes, no. [He points to the camera.] They'll think I'm showing off, being a bleep. I've got enough bad press without people thinking I get off on mullering my wife at footgolf. Let's just go to the next house."

Emma: "That's not till Sunday, babes. You've got the FA Cup tomorrow, remember?"

Max: "Oh, yeah."

Emma: "Yeah, but anyway, maybe it's better if you don't try your best on camera. Best not to fail miserably on one of the country's most beloved programmes."

[Stony silence.] Max: "Are you... Are you trying to do reverse psychology on me?"

Emma: "Why would I do that? You're immune. No-one can get under your skin. One day, Little Baby Claudia Winkelman is going to watch this and think, huh, my dad chickened out, that's weird."

[Stony silence.] Max: "Give me a ball. Bleep sake."

[Someone throws him a ball. Max does tekkers with it, chuntering under his breath. He looks around as he calculates the shortest distance to his target. This is Max's favourite kind of hole - a dogleg, with a high fence stopping people from kicking the ball straight towards the hole.]

[Stopping normal people.]

[Max flicks the ball up a few more times, then volleys the ball high, with back spin, over the fence. It bounces near the flag, spins back, comes to rest within ten yards of its destination. There is rapturous applause from all sides - while the trio were chatting, a small crowd gathered to watch. Max, taken aback, smiles and waves at the onlookers.]

Barry: "Wow. That... Haha, I've never seen anything like that. But I think, yes, the rules say you're not allowed to go over the fence."

Max: "Rules are for serfs. I'm in the manor house. I'm Tommy Tyrant."

Barry: "I'd like to see you attempt a normal shot."

Max: [Grandly.] "That is one request I can never fulfil."

Emma: [Laughing, pushing her husband.] "Just do a normal shot, you melt! Come on. Show people what they should be doing."

[Max sighs, looks down the fairway, double-checks his idea against a plastic-covered map of the hole.] Max: "Okay, so we're supposed to hit this frame thingy here and bounce the ball onto this other frame and it'll end up in line with the hole. Piece of cake. I think... Yeah, the only thing is you can't go too high, right, because if you do, you won't get the double tap. So you need to hit through the ball, laces, top half, get just the right amount of speed. Yeah, I think I know how this goes. Let's see."

[He gets another ball, does some kick-ups, slaps it against a nearby wall to check something or other. He places the ball, leans back, steps towards it, gives it a crack. The ball flies, not too high, maintains its pace, hits a low wall, deflects, bounces, hits the other wall, comes to rest... touching the one he hit earlier. The applause is twice as loud.]

Emma: [Punches him.] "Addaboy."

Barry: "Well. Haha. I don't know what to say. Genuinely lost for words!"

Max: "I can tell you what to say next."

Barry: "Please do."

Max: [Flicks up a football and hands it to Emma.] "Your turn."

Emma: "Ohhhhh... flip."

[They all laugh.]

***

[Cut to Barry and Emma in the posh seats in the main stand at the New York Stadium, which as you can tell from the name is in Rotherham, South Yorkshire. Barry's getting as much attention as Emma.]

Barry: "I've never had to take a day off filming to watch an FA Cup match before! Rotherham are on a great run of form in League Two. They won't have any fear against - sorry, Emma - a struggling Premier League side. It's tremendously exciting! You must be used to this."

Emma: "Every match is like the first. I get so nervous. I don't go to every match, but it's always the same. I dread it, bite my nails, and then Max comes out and he's the calmest man in the stadium."

Barry: "You don't go to every match because you're a busy woman yourself. You're an agent, I believe."

Emma: "A lawyer by training, but I work for a sports agency. We branched out recently into reality TV stars, which is why Max was joking about signing you up."

Barry: "You're very modest but I hear you are very good at what you do."

Emma: "I learned from the best."

[The stadium erupts into boos. Max's name has just been read out.]

Barry: "Oof. This must be tough."

Emma: [Looks down.] "People think they know him but they don't. He's really wonderful. He tries so hard to be a good person. Me being pregununt, it has freaked him out. He wants to think ahead to every little problem we're going to have over the next ten years and get ahead of it because he wants so much to be a good dad. [She blinks.] He would rather be a good father than a good player but I've told him he has to be both. [She looks at the pitch, then looks down again.] 

"He wants to win the FA Cup this year because then Chester will get into Europe and he can keep his best players. All I've ever heard from him is mad ambition but since I told him about the baby he hasn't said anything about winning this or winning that. It's all about being here and being there. [She pulls at her lip.] 

"I've told him the baby isn't due until August so he can focus on keeping Chester in the Prem and the FA Cup Final is in May but he just nods and smiles and then goes to read baby books. He's got one called 'How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids' that he's reading unironically. I think he's trying to, like, learn how to make it easy for me or something. [She shakes her head.] 

"He wants to plan every day, every week. I said to him, what is it you always say when some rival manager says he's got a plan to beat you?"

Barry: [Smiling.] "Tell me."

Emma: "He says everyone's got a plan until they get punched in the face. Max has spent six years punching famous managers in the face and now this baby's going to do it to him. [She smiles, briefly, but it fades as she looks around the stadium.] He says he doesn't hear the booing and when he does, it just fires him up, but I hear it. It's awful. When he said he wanted to move into the middle of nowhere I wasn't keen but every day that goes by, I understand it more. In this world... [almost inaudible] ... it's just us."

[Cut to Cole Adams at left back passing to Max, who is booed. Max passes to Jimmy McNeill, who gives the ball to Magnus Evergreen. Magnus plays the ball diagonally to the left, into the path of Max, who slaps the ball hard from 40 yards out. The ball flies past the face of Chester's new star, Foquita, who dives out of the way and watches, wide-eyed, as it arcs into the top-right of the goal. Max turns back towards his own half as if he doesn't realise he has scored.]

[Cut to Matt Rush and Roddy Jones combining on the right of the pitch. Rushy finds Magnus, who rolls the ball to the Finnish player, Jari Köngäs, who is making his debut. Jari has a little bit of time and threads a nice pass through the defensive line to Foquita. The Peruvian swivels and thrashes the ball across the goal. Max Best is there to apply a simple side-footed finish. Again, he simply walks back towards his own half, like he's in a training match. He's soon swamped by his team mates.]

[Cut to Sticky throwing the ball to Max, who holds off a challenge, turns, feints, accelerates into the middle of the pitch, dabs the ball to Foquita, who plays it back to Jari, who clips it into Max's path, who slaps the ball low to the left of the goalie. Max jogs away, nodding, and is then swamped.]

[Cut to another series of rapid-fire passes. Magnus to Jari to Jimmy to Rushy. Roddy is on the overlap, causes panic, cuts the ball to Jari, who tries to find Foquita. A defender sticks out a toe but can only deflect the ball into the path of Max, who chips the goalkeeper from 25 yards before turning and ambling towards his own half. He gets buried, this time, and by the time the last team mate unpeels himself from the mound of players, the Chester co-manager Sandra Lane has decided she has seen enough. Max is subbed off, replaced by Errol Obikwu, a young striker.]

[The referee demands that Max leave the pitch by the shortest route, so a confused Max walks to the right of the goal - the one in which he just scored four goals in under 30 minutes - and turns left, head down, barely aware of his surroundings. He turns left at the corner flag, makes his way to the halfway line... and doesn't see a dugout. He looks to his left and his head sags. He has gone the wrong way.]

[The Rotherham fans in that stand jeer and make rude gestures, but Max spots an empty seat on the front row. He clambers over the advert hoardings and sits down. The jeers turn to cheers. Rotherham fans beg for selfies. Max keeps an eye on the pitch, and one time shouts at Cole Adams. The Irish defender gives his boss a thumbs up, redoubles his efforts. Max stares for a while, relents, sits back down, and appears to complain to the Rotherham fans about how hard it is to find staff these days.]

[They lap it up.]

[At half time, Max clambers back over the boards, waves goodbye to his new friends, and trudges across the pitch towards the dugouts.]

[Cut to Emma tearing up.]

***

[Shots of a beautiful English winter's morning.]

[Cut to the trio in the car again.]

Barry: "We're on our way to the third property I have to show you. How are you feeling, Max? You said that often after a match you feel quite wretched."

Max: "That's why Sandra subbed me off. She wants me fresh against Liverpool. Yeah, I feel fine. Frisky. I love mornings like these."

Barry: "Someone told me you had the chance to equal or break George Best's record. He scored six goals in one FA Cup match against Northampton Town. Were you miffed about being denied the chance to emulate your namesake?"

Max: [Puzzled.] "What? Er... no? It's a team game, Barry. We won. And Errol scored, so that's mint. His first FA Cup goal. Imagine how happy he is today. Nah, wouldn't swap that for another one to my name. I don't really care about individual awards and records and stuff. [He looks out of the window.] The whole point of my job is to make sure the team doesn't need Max Best the player, and eventually, to make sure it doesn't need Max Best the manager. I'll be happy at home playing with Lego, colouring in pictures of dinosaurs, pretending to be a caveman."

Barry: "With your child."

Max: [Pause.] "Yeah, of course. [He clears his throat.] With my child, yeah, that's what I meant."

Emma: [Leans forward and slaps him on the arm.] "Stop scaring the normos, Max."

[Max grins.]

Barry: "If you don't mind, I have an awful question. I'm sure you get it all the time but still, I have to ask. What's it like scoring a goal? You shoot, there's a brief blink in the eye of the world, then an eruption of noise from your supporters. I was neutral yesterday but it was still amazing. I was bobbing along on those tides of joy."

Max: [Laughing.] "You said it better than I can. I mean, it's just like... We watched a bunch of episodes of this show, especially the celebrity version. You had Linford Christie! Wow. Hearing him talk about what kinds of sink he likes, I mean, it's wild to realise they're just normal people. Anyway, you had that one woman, the TV presenter, and for some reason you took her to do cold water swimming."

Barry: "That wasn’t one of mine but I remember the episode, yes."

Max: "She got in that freezing water, you could see the shock on her face. This is a woman who lives in her head. I don't mean it in a negative way or anything, she's just like most people who are on the computer and the phone and the computer and the phone and she's in meetings and she does things but it's all mental, it's all brainwork, and she has no connection with her body. Again, I don't mean it in a nasty way, I'm just saying she doesn't go skiing or play tennis or anything. So to take someone like that and drop her into the ice cold water, it just totally resets her entire being. It's a reset and when she comes out, her brain is very, very aware of the body it lives in. The brain's going, what the hell did you just do?! But in the most awesome way.

"Take that feeling, that utter thrill of being hyper-aware of your body and its potential, multiply it by ten, and you start to feel what it's like to score a goal. Because it's more than just your own body, it's your team, your fans, the noise, it's all bound together, it's a web, a mesh where you can feel every pound of every heartbeat, feel every shared hug, and it all works together to create an ecstasy. It's unfathomable. You can't hold onto the feeling so you crave it, you need it again. [He shakes his head.] If you could bottle that feeling, you'd be the richest man who ever lived."

Barry: "And you felt it four times yesterday. [Max looks puzzled; Barry doesn't notice.] And you might feel it again against Liverpool."

Max: [Pause.] "I really don't care who scores. This is a team game and I'm thinking about the team behind the team. If we get relegated, 20 people will lose their jobs, and 50 other jobs won't be created. That's a lot of mums and dads put into hardship, a lot of mortgage payments, bills."

Barry: "It's a big responsibility."

Emma: "But babes, you can't play football with the weight of the world on your shoulders. You've got to enjoy it. That's when you play your best, like yesterday, when you're not stressed and worried about everything that might go wrong."

Max: "Stressed and Worried About Everything That Might Go Wrong: The Fatherhood Story. A Complete Guide to Ruining Your Baby's Future. By Max Best. With a foreword from Genghis Khan."

Emma: [Shaking her head, smiling.] "At least we can choose the right house to move into."

Max: [Delighted, he turns to beam at her.] "Babes! That was an amazing link! You're a showbiz natural."

Emma: [Brushes her shoulder.] "Better believe it."

***

[While Barry's narration continues to be filled with awful puns, the trio tour a third property, a massive Georgian house with 10 acres of lush garden. The kitchen's as big as the entire house Max was living in when he was cursed, there's a pool, a tennis court, outbuildings, and best of all - a treehouse.]

[They guess the price before Barry reveals it is on the market for 3.5 million.]

Max: "See, that just makes me like the second house even more."

Barry: "The manor house?"

Max: "Right. It's just as classy as this one, the main house is a slightly more manageable size, there's more land, the location's better, and it's a million quid cheaper! I mean, more inexpensive."

Barry: "Emma?"

Emma: "I agree. This is lovely and there are so many details and spaces I really like but the second one yesterday was ten out of ten. Maybe a little bit big - it's intimidating to think of all the dusting! - but I could so imagine raising a family there. I had dreams about it last night."

Max: "Oh! Me too! Did you have the one about the loincloth and the gazebo?"

[They eye each other. The screen sizzles, then they both grin at the same time.] Emma: "Don't scare the normos, babes. Think of your reputation."

Barry: "If you're at the third house thinking about the second house, to me that's a very good sign. But we have one more property to visit."

Emma: [Clapping.] "The mystery house!"

***

[Cut to Barry, alone at a new property.]

Barry: "Here's a sneak peek of the mystery house. One thing I've learned from talking to Max in the past few days is that while he respects the past and would be very comfortable in a Grade 2 listed building, doing his part to preserve our heritage, as a football manager he's maniacal about the future. He told me he wants to future-proof his club, and when it comes to squad-building and strategic direction, he's the architect. So what better kind of property to show than a future-proofed architect-designed marvel?"

[The camera soars, showing a modern home, inspired by the Balearic Islands but surrounded by nothing but good old British fields. The building's imposing height is cleverly softened by design features, solar panels line the roofs, there's a seating area that floats above a formal pond. All in all, it looks premium without being obnoxious.]

[Max and Emma tour the space, their jaws dropping in every room. The main bedroom is stunning, the kitchen is spectacular. Barry points out the security cameras, the sustainability features, the fact that although it's impressive, there are only four bedrooms so it isn't going to be a nightmare to clean and the beautiful gardens are designed to be low-maintenance. There's air conditioning, brilliant schools nearby, even a private playground. And one thing Max forgot in his specifications - it comes with a large garage, suitable for someone with a collection, and there are charging stations for electric vehicles. It's fifteen minutes to Chester, forty to Manchester Airport.]

Max: "I'm blown away. This is sensational. It's almost perfect."

Barry: "This is what happens when you have a modern architect using modern materials to approach modern problems."

Emma: "I thought I only had eyes for the manor house but this is like when I met Max. Sorry, Harry Styles, I've found an upgrade."

[Max squeezes her.] Max: "The only thing is having the farmer there doing his farm stuff but kids love tractors and machines, right? So even that's a net positive. Oh, does this one have owlets?"

Barry: "I don't think it will have quite as much wildlife as the manor house."

Emma: "It's got fancy wallpaper and silk carpets, though. I'm sure that will last a long time with a baby running riot."

Max: "If you're a tiny little baby do you want to live in a Grade 2 listed manor house or a modern architectural thing that borrows design elements from a superyacht?"

Emma: "If I'm a tiny little baby I don't want my mum bursting into tears because by the time she has finished mowing 20 acres of lawn it's time to start it all over again."

Max: [Smiling.] "If we choose the manor house, we'll get the youth teamers to mow the lawn. Have you seen The Karate Kid? The dude gets the kid to paint his fence, says it's to teach him karate. I'll tell the under sixteens that to play on the grass you must first mow the grass. It'll be, like, mystical. They'll lap it up."

Emma: [Touching his face.] "To buy the mystery house, you must ask the price of the mystery house."

Max: [Eyes wide.] "Another all-time classic link. You're just my favourite. Did I ever tell you that?"

Barry: "Would you like to guess the price?"

Max: "I would be willing to pay infinity pounds for this. That's my guess."

Emma: "I'll say five pounds because I'll be closer."

Barry: "This architect-designed, eco-friendly, future-proofed, private and secure house in a perfect location... is on the market for 3.35 million pounds."

Max: "Oof."

Emma: "Oof."

Max: "Honestly, considering how much thought has gone into every little detail, how bespoke it all is, that's probably fair, but I would worry that there could be new construction nearby that would ruin the setting. Like, the manor house is in the middle of all that land and you own all that land so you never need to worry about it."

Barry: "Ah. Well, I can tell you that this comes with one acre of garden... and six acres of the surrounding land. The vendor allows the farmer to work it, but it could be used for your own agricultural projects or for Emma's pony paradise."

Max: "It's this plus the fields? Oh, wow. That's... Okay. Huh."

Barry: "You did say the budget could be raised for the right property. As always with the mystery house, we wanted to push your boundaries. I can't say I know you very well but from everything I've learned, this is a real Max Best house."

Max: "You know me pretty well, Barry, because you're right. I wouldn't ever go for Gucci wallpaper but the rest is... Wow, though. 3.3 million."

Emma: "Can we do it, babes?"

Max: "Er... yeah..." [He shakes his head.] "But then we really, really absolutely have to stay in the Premier League. Otherwise, Little Baby Houdini will have escaped to the country but he'll be living off Pot Noodles."

Emma: "The farmer rents this land, right? He can pay us in eggs. Anyway..." [She leans up and kisses Max on the cheek.] "Winning a few football matches? How hard can it be?"

[Max looks at the camera, somewhere between exasperated and doleful.]

Emma: [Slaps him on the arse, holds her belly.] "Baby says quit complaining, get back to work."

Max: "Oh, so it's a girl, is it?"

Emma: "Or it's a boy who takes after you. Dictator of Football, babes? Ring a bell?" [She slow blinks at her beloved, then hugs the show's host.] "Barry, you smashed it. We’re really happy and grateful. Can we go back inside? Take another look around?"

***

[Cut to more drone shots of the property while Barry's final voice-over plays.]

"Not long after recording this footage, Max and Emma put in a bid for the property, which was accepted. They haven't decided on a name for their child but they have found a world-class place to live, and it comes with a suitably prestigious name: Royalty House. 

"Next time on Celebrity Escape to the Country: one of the nation's favourite singer-songwriters is looking for somewhere Beautiful to live because he doesn't want to go Back to Bedlam. Who could it be? Join us at the same time next week to find out!"

***

Thanks for your support!

Royalty House, if you've got a spare 3.35 million quid.

The weather forecast has eased very slightly away from hellish but if there are a few days when I can't do creative work, I'm going to do a bonus episode about my spreadsheets and how they have evolved since book 1 and look at some of the data etc.