Mr Jakobs - Best of Friends 56 - Waking Up

It took Rachel a moment to realize that Noah was still talking after he had said those fateful words.

"...And I think that, honestly, it might be for the best this way," he said.

Rachel blinked and shook her head. "Noah, what are you talking about?"

She stood from her stool in the kitchen and made her way over to the couch in the living room, twirling a lock of her hair nervously as she sat down.

"Rachel. I know we've been trying, but I think I might be finally done."

"At least let's talk about it!” Rachel was exasperated, clinging desperately to fading hope as she heard Noah sigh.

It was crushing. Was he already over her so easily?

"Well, I just explained what I was feeling, so what do you want to talk about?" he asked.

He had? She tried to remember, but it was all fog. It felt like she was walking through thick mud in her mind.

"I'm sorry… I just… this is so sudden."

"It really isn't Rachel."

"Yes, it is! And you're… you're just breaking up with me like it’s not a HUGE deal?"

"I'm not just doing anything. I've been thinking about it for a while."

For some reason, that hurt even more. Rachel tried to formulate a reply, but only managed a scoff. It sounded harsh and dismissive, but she didn’t mean it like that. It was all she could muster as memories flooded the forefront of her mind.

"Is it something I did?” she asked weakly.

“Rachel…” Noah said gently.

“I'm sorry about Jack. Let me prove it to you. I can make it up to you. Just give me a chance.”

She remembered the first time they'd met in a small little ice cream shop. She could still see his bright smile when she asked him to sit down.

"It's not just that, Rachel,” he said.

"Then what else? We can work on this…"

Her own words muffled as she remembered holding onto his back tightly as he carried her up a hill in the cool autumn breeze.

She remembered burying her nose into his shoulder. And how good he smelled, and how bright his laugh was when they tripped and stumbled.

"I think this is how we work on it," he said.

"Noah, this isn't working on it. This is running away."

She saw them both running across her lawn with water guns on her birthday. Her father hadn't allowed her to have a party, but she managed to get permission for Noah to come over. He’d had the local grocery store make her a cake. He’d made her a collection of ten hand-made cards, too. One to open each day for the rest of the month. Each one a note expressing something that he admired about her.

They had little drawings in them.

A silly self-portrait of her in another.

She still had them tucked away in a drawer, bound with the same ribbon he’d used to wrap them.

"I don't know if I can do this," she said desperately through tears. Trying to flee the cracking hole inside her chest as she realized that she would never wake up next to him again.

Realizing that they would never again watch their favorite shows together while she rested on his arm.

Or hear his laugh when she told a stupid joke.

Or walk with him down the streets late at night.

"You can," Noah said softly.

How could he sound so certain? Was she really that bad?

This would be the last time she ever fully knew him. This would be the last time she could say he was all hers, and she all his.

"But I love you so much, Noah." She was really crying now.

Because she was remembering what it was like to see him sleeping beside her.

And how much joy they shared when they both got into Godfrey together.

And how much courage he gave her to pursue her dreams.

And the excitement of being by his side when his first software project came to life.

And the way he’d help her in the kitchen.

Or give her silly little gifts.

Saying he was thinking of her.

A rock. A petal. A piece of wood.

A silly piece of wood.

She still had it. Right next to his letters.

"I love you too, and that's why I think now is the best time to do this. Before we really hurt each other,” Noah said.

Rachel had curled into a tight ball, shaking her head and trying to disappear.

"What do you mean?" she asked weakly.

Noah paused.

“Have you ever had a moment right before you wake up from a dream, where you know it’s about to end?” he asked.

She saw Noah holding a camera and taking their picture. He smiled so brightly as he brought her close and looked into her eyes.

And shared their first kiss.

She thought they would be together forever after that.

"W-what?" she said.

"It's just, I don't know. Lately, I've been thinking about that. How that, no matter how good a dream is, eventually you need to wake up from it.”

Rachel began to plummet back down into the cold, large living room in Colorado, slamming hard into her exhausted body.

"Yeah…" Rachel didn't know what else to say.

"I think we're waking up, Rachel," Noah said.

"Noah… are you really breaking up with me?"

Noah paused. "I think so."

Rachel closed her eyes and fought through the pain.

When heartbreak hits, it rarely feels like one would imagine. Shock, first. Numbness, next. Rachel knew it was the greatest pain she’d ever felt in her life, but her mind pulled her back, saving her from the blow.

Because if she’d truly felt it all, she would have fractured into a million pieces.

"How are you so calm right now?" Rachel said. Confused. Hurt. Angry.

"Because I've been here before," he said gently.

There it was. In that moment, Rachel felt like she finally understood a part of Noah she never had before. And only wished she'd seen it sooner.

Because, perhaps, it might have saved them.

"Noah… please… I don't… we should… I can't…" She was spiraling. She was leaving again. But now the memories were too fast and too painful.

Their first morning together at Godfrey.

When they had stared up at the stars, drunk and happy.

And kissed in the stairwell as strangers passed.

Or when he said how much he loved her.

"It's ok, Rachel," Noah said.

She was trembling. "Is it?"

"It is," he promised.

She was crying. Her face hurt.

"Ok…" she said. Defeated.

He was going to be her husband. She was going to look at him while walking down the aisle.

She was going to have his children.

They were going to buy a house and grow old together.

And live together forever.

Now, only in a dream.

As they woke up.

"Can I ask you something?" Noah said.

"S-sure."

"Deep down in your heart, do you really think I am wrong?" Noah asked.

How painful a simple truth can be. How hard a little reality can hit. Like a bullet and a knife. Fast and sharp, puncturing quicker than senses can catch.

"No… I don't,” Rachel said. Uncertain if she believed it.

Then,

After a wave of tears.

"I'm sorry.”

"You don't have to be."

"I'm scared," she said.

"I know, that's normal," he said.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you," she said.

"You will," Noah said gently. "It'll hurt for a while, and it'll be dark, but when you come through it, you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel."

"I don't think there will be light."

Not without you.

"There will," Noah said. "There will."

Rachel was weeping silently, holding it back, trying to be as strong as him.

But she wasn’t.

"I feel like there's something I should have done differently."

"I feel the same."

"I feel like I messed this all up."

"Me too."

"Should we try to fix it?"

Noah went silent on the other end of the line.

"Do you really want to?" he asked gently.

Silence.

"I don't think so."

"I don't think so either," Noah said.

More silence. Or perhaps there were words. It's always hard to remember, always difficult to know. One sentence may appear in one memory, and be gone the next. A tone shifting, another emerging.

In the end, the line that stuck the hardest was the last.

"So, this is it?" Rachel asked.

"It is," Noah said, and for the first time, she could hear the pain in his words.

Strangely, it brought Rachel solace to know she wasn't alone.

In remembering when they rushed through a corn maze in autumn.

And carving pumpkins after.

And the photobooth they found in a little bar.

And how perfect those days felt.

"I think a part of me will always love you," Rachel said.

"And I will always love you," Noah replied.

Rachel sniffed. She gasped.

"Alright, well…" she trailed off, not wanting to end the call.

Hoping that maybe, somehow, it would all magically change.

"I should go," Noah said.

A hammer blow fell on Rachel’s head.

"Alright. Ok."

"Goodbye, Rach," he said it so softly.

"Goodbye, Noah," she replied gently.

The line went silent.

-

“Rachel?” her sister's voice said.

Rachel didn’t know what she said next, or if she needed to say anything. But she made no attempt to reply.

She felt her sister's arms wrap around her and hold her tightly.

“It will be alright.”

Rachel could only think of Noah when she heard the words. Could only manage to breathe as her sister said it.

They found her way to the bedroom and found her bed.

Her sister never left her side. But Rachel couldn’t see her. Or the room. Or the daylight. Or what was beyond this moment.

It was a landslide. And Rachel was swept away.

“Have some water.”

“Want a snack?”

“Let’s just watch TV, ok?”

“I’ll stay here as long as you need.”

“Please don’t go,” Rachel said. “Please.”

But knew she wasn’t speaking to her sister.

“I won’t ever leave you,” her sister replied.

And she didn’t.

They ordered pizza. They stayed together. Watching reality TV late into the night. Until finally, just barely, Rachel felt her body again. And saw her sister next to her in grey sweats. A bowl of popcorn between them. Ice water on the nightstand.

“Can… can I get a drink?” Rachel said. Jackeline promptly went for it.

“Here,” she said gently.

“Thanks…” Rachel took a sip, feeling the cool liquid course through her fatigued body.

And those were the only words she managed for the night. She curled beside her sister, eventually closing her swollen, aching eyes and falling asleep.

Into a dream with Noah. On a bench in a courtyard.

Two ice creams in his hand.

Relief washed over her as she realized their call had just been a horrible nightmare. That it hadn’t come to pass. That he was still there for her.

She would change. She would do better. Their dream was still alive.

And as she rushed to him. So did another woman.

And with his back turned to Rachel, Noah offered her the ice cream with a laugh.

Before they both vanished into darkness, replaced with a flash of light and a loud series of buzzes.

Her eyes opened.

And she was back in her dark room, her sister sleeping beside her.

And then she remembered.

Noah was gone, and he wasn’t coming back.

Tears fell across her cheeks as her phone buzzed again.

But maybe it was Noah.

Just maybe.

They were both waking up.

With renewed hope, she reached for it. Opening the message.

Her blood ran cold as her eyes trailed over the letters on the screen.

Allison: Heeeeeey!!!!!! It’s me, Allison. Got your number from a classmate

Allison: Anyways, considering we both love… extracurriculars. Thought you’d enjoy this ;)

There, beneath the messages, was a thumbnail of Allison, naked and glistening with sweat.

Straddling Mike as they both looked into the camera.