Charlize Remi - Episode 6: Personal Journal Entry [Billie Fisher]

Subject: Lately, all I seem to do is mess things up.

Oooooooh journal, journal, journal. I have found myself in quite the predicament. I don't know how I manage to do this to myself but here we are. Again.

You might remember that yesterday I told you THAT I KISSED DR ANDREA WILLIAMS. I mean, no biggie, it's not like it isn't the most monumental moment in my life to date. It's such an insignificant point, you'd be forgiven if you forgot I mentioned that.

That was sarcasm, by the way, journal.

I might have made it even worse today, if that were possible.

I'm exhausted, I've barely slept. In fact, I should be sleeping right now instead of laying here, looking at my phone but I have so many thoughts buzzing around in my head, I needed to write them down in the hopes that it quietens the buzz somewhat.

As you know, I was feeling sincere trepidation about going into the lab today and seeing Andrea after I kissed her last night. Surprisingly, she set me at ease immediately. In retrospect, that isn't so surprising. I've never met anyone with such a calming, gentle energy like Andrea. She told me more about L-17, which was incredible. I could listen to her voice wash over me for an eternity. If her voice were an ocean, I would happily drown in it.

But then, journal, we were in the laboratory. I recall the moment exactly, precisely the words she and I said. We were working together in silence when Andrea said, "About last night..." and I immediately panicked.

I felt my face flush hot, the blood rapidly retreating from my limbs and my breath growing shallow, as though oxygen had been suddenly sucked from the room and I could no longer breathe. There was a roaring in my ears and I jumped in to forestall whatever admonition I was certain Andrea was about to issue. She would be completely justified in doing that, by the way. My behaviour was extremely out of character for me and, frankly, inappropriate. Yet, even now, I'm really not sorry I did it. How could I be? I'm not sorry about the kiss, although I know I should be. Kissing your boss, your mentor, is not a great way to make a great impression. Or is it? Haha, not funny, Billie. I feel regret about what it could mean and the mess I've created for myself. And the mess I've potentially created for Andrea.

So I assumed Andrea wanted to gently mention something about how inappropriate it was and, in my panic, I cut her off and told her it wouldn't happen again, that I wouldn't do it again. In that moment, I couldn't clearly articulate myself and, if I could go back, I would have paused, breathed and let her say what she wanted to say. But, in that moment, I couldn't bear to hear words of admonition fall from her lips and so I think I wanted to save myself from hearing them. After I said that, Andrea's energy shifted. I've never seen a woman so poised, so collected, so controlled, crack momentarily. A tiny fracture in her otherwise perfect composure. Andrea looked... at a loss. Immediately I realised she was going to say something entirely different from what I had thought she was going to say. But then I didn't know what to do, how to respond.

I can't really remember what happened next but I know I somehow excused myself and went to the bathroom to collect myself. It seems the bathroom has become my new haven for solitude of late. Lucky it smells lovely in there, I guess. It has a really luxurious scent, I'll have to find out what the facility uses in their air fresheners so I can get some for home.

Anyway, not the point. The point is I think I hurt Andrea. And I can't believe I did that. She is the single, most wonderful human being I have ever - EVER - met. She is kind, she is generous, she is so thoughtful, she is gentle, intelligent, and... beautiful. Gorgeous, actually. Unbelievably mesmerising. And I think I hurt her.

The atmosphere around us shifted after that moment and I think I'm to blame. I think I did that. I don't know how to undo that.

A mess.

Can I tell you a secret, journal? Something I've been far too ashamed to actually name but I think I should because it's becoming unbearable. By kissing Andrea, I cheated on Dylan. That's cheating, there is no way to sugarcoat it. To say I feel guilty and ashamed is a wildly lacking understatement. But, existing in parallel to that guilt and shame is this version of me that I didn't know existed. A version that screams, "Oh, yes" while the shameful version of me wails, "Oh, no."

How can that be?

I need to talk to Dylan soon. He's on the couch again tonight, by the way. If you were wondering, which you weren't because you're a note on my phone. I've realised something about me and Dylan, something I'm still not quite sure how to put into words. I'll need to reflect on it a little more before I can accurately articulate it. But I know I need to talk to him soon, tell him what happened and, I don't know... I just don't know.

Can I leave you with one last reflection, journal?

I'd do it again. I'd give up the world to feel the soft press of her lips against mine.

Billie xx