Julius Rictor - Chapter 35 - Freedom

Maybe it was my naivety, but I didn’t realize how poor parts of Water’s Bastion were.

I’d seen worse in New York City, honestly. And I’d done some traveling to South America during college, which was ironic, considering I’d become a near-translucent redhead in my new life. I’d seen cramped favelas with dozens of people packed into rooms the size of the average living room, sleeping and eating as families. Some had multiple families living in the same place. There was crime, poverty, and the kind of desperation that made every bad thing worse.

Back then, I at least understood what I was looking at. Living in a castle on its own island with guards and servants at my beck and call had dulled that part of me. Distance had made other people’s hardship feel abstract again.

Seeing it up close now, with children in front of me wearing unwashed clothes, dirty hair, and thin frames, forced me to remember those earlier times in my last life.

“There’s plenty here,” I said, handing a bag of dried meats to a mother with four children, all under ten. “Take some.”

The woman looked uncertain.

“The more you take, the less I have to carry,” Fin agreed. He was fighting for his life, doing our laps around the city with the cart dragging behind him. It was obvious he wasn’t an Eater, given how much it was taking a toll on him.

The woman dipped her head and hurried over to the cart to take more.

A little ahead of me, Father Wilson was bandaging the feet of an old man who had glass in them. He’d left them for days, and the cuts had closed around them. Father Wilson had pulled them out, cleaned the wound, and treated him.

“I couldn’t feel them,” the elder man said.

“If we’d left them as is, they could have gotten infected,” Father Wilson told him. He secured the bandage on his feet and gave him a glass of the alcohol he was using to sterilize the wound. “Please, be more careful. Life is a precious thing. We only get one.”

“Thank you, Father.” The elder man dipped his head. “You are seen.”

“You are seen.”

I watched the whole thing in a sort of trance.

Someone slammed into me, grabbing my arm. “Please, you have to help me! You’re an adventurer, aren’t you? You can help!”

I stiffened, ready to attack, as I glanced at the person. When I did, I relaxed. It was a woman in her forties with old, fraying clothes and light brown hair on the verge of graying. She looked exhausted, as if life were slowly being drained from her.

Twisting so I could face the woman and hold her up, I then spoke, “What’s wrong?”

“My daughter! Rayne! She’s been missing for months now, and no one will look for her! No one can find her!” the woman yelled. “The knights ignore me, and the Guild hasn’t completed the quest I paid for! Please!”

“I-I don’t know...”

Fin stepped gently between us and supported the woman. “I’m one of the men who took that contract to find your daughter. You remember me, don’t you? We’ve talked before.”

The woman’s eyes lit up. “Have you found her? Anything new?!”

“Not yet. But we’re working on it. The missing person’s contract has spread all throughout the region.” He rested a comforting hand on her shoulder. “She’ll turn up. Trust us.”

“Thank you! Bless you!” The woman held onto Fin. “You are seen!”

Godsdamn...

Fin chatted with her until she felt better. Eventually, the woman parted from us. She seemed a year older as she slinked into the darkness, muttering to herself.

“You’ve heard rumors about the serial killer in the city?” Fin asked me when we were alone.

“A bit.”

“There are already five missing girls this year. Not a trace of any of them,” he told me. “If the pattern holds, the next girl will disappear in a few days. Another grieving mother will be left wondering what happened.”

“Any information? Leads?”

“Yeah. Don’t be a pretty, intelligent girl in her late teens or early twenties. You’ll go missing.”

Great, I fit the criteria. Wait. I fit the criteria. Could I use myself as bait and handle this on my own?

A commotion behind us alerted our attention back to the cart. Children were in the back, taking food and running.

Fin sighed. “We’re handing it out for free, people. No need to steal it.” He trudged back there.

Father Wilson joined me soon thereafter. “I appreciate both your help.”

“Any time,” I said, my voice a hollow whisper lost in thought.

“Something wrong, Miss Eve?” Father Wilson asked, noticing my gaze.

“N-Nothing. Sorry.” I looked away, embarrassed, scratching my head. “Depressing news about the missing girls. And I’m slowly realizing how selfish I’ve been after today.”

“We’re all selfish, in our own ways. None of us is perfect. Not even those of us in the clergy.” Father Wilson walked to my side as Fin finished handing out the last of the food and water we brought. “What exactly concerns you?”

“I’ve... let’s say I’m a lost soul,” I joked. “Just trying to find my way in life. I’ve taken an interest in a bunch of random things and done a lot. For a time, I helped people at the cost of my own happiness, thinking I didn’t deserve any. Then I started doing stuff only for myself, but it’s left me feeling empty and wanting more.” I looked at my feet as I shuffled them against the cobblestone path below. “At my core, I still want to help people, but I know if I go down that path again, I’ll become secondary to the lives of others.” I paused and looked at Father Wilson. “I’d say you’re in a position to know what I’m thinking.”

He smiled, putting his hands behind his back. “Stroll with me.” He gestured to Fin. “We’ll be back in a moment.”

“Sure, Father. I’ll handle things here.” Fin waved him off.

We slowly trotted down the cobblestone street.

“Based on your question, you often find your kindness being taken advantage of when freely given; is that correct?” Father Wilson assessed.

“Essentially, yeah.”

“Does that make you not want to help people?”

“Kind of,” I admitted. “But… I don’t know what else to do with my life. I feel like I was born to put myself second.”

“Ah, that’s helpful.” He thought for a moment, then asked, “Do you find meaning in being a mother someday?”

I crinkled my nose. “No. Never.” There was a time I thought I might be a dad, but that ship sailed.

“A disappointment to your family, I’m sure, but an important consideration. To some, however, being a mother gives them that meaning. Raising a life to fruition is what gives them purpose.” He peered at me, knowingly. “Yet, given what I know about you, that’d be as much as a prison sentence.”

“Exactly.”

“For you, then, I think this will apply: a meaningful life is not one you surrender to others, and it is not one you defend from others,” said Father Wilson. “It is one you choose to share with them. You cannot prove your life matters by spending it like a coin. A person is not virtuous because they give until nothing remains of them, be it life or money. And they are not free because they refuse to give at all.”

My heart thumped painfully in my chest.

“People speak strangely of kindness. They praise the woman who gives away her last loaf, her last coin, her last hour of sleep, and then mourn when she collapses as though death were proof of her goodness. It is not.” His voice sounded sweet, like the melodic keys of a grand piano. “A candle that burns itself down may give light for a night. A hearth tended carefully warms a home for years.”

I clenched my jaw and stared at the man.

He smiled. “You do not need to purchase your right to be happy. You do not need to suffer first before you can enjoy life. Enjoy life, and help others where you can.” With his hands behind his back, he turned around and walked back to Fin. “That, in essence, is freedom.”

I watched Father Wilson walk away, as if in a trance.

That sounded like the start of an answer. Huh. It blends well with both Gai and Remi’s interpretations.

I stumbled forward and grabbed his arm, stopping him. “Wait a second.”

“Hmm? Yes?”

“How much did all this cost?” I pointed at the empty cart.

“Not very much,” Father Wilson admitted. “The temple owns the cart. Your wages and Mr. Fin’s excluded, we’re looking at five gold coins at most.”

A bronze coin is basically a dollar, silver is ten, and a gold coin is a hundred. Damn, I don’t have any coins. I’ll give him what I’ve got on me.

I fished out a set of bracelets I’d forgotten to take off before coming out. I’d stashed them in my bags. “Here. These should get you around fifteen gold coins. It’s all I have on me.”

Father Wilson’s eyes widened. “I can’t possibly...”

“It’s my decision. Take them. If you don’t, I’ll throw them away.”

He nodded. “Very well.” He stared at me. “It seems my words have made a difference in you.”

“Maybe,” I said quietly.

•

“You picked a good one,” Fin told Tyla as we arrived back at the Guild Hall, our contract completed and payment received. “She let me do all the work and stayed close to Father Wilson, chatting.”

“Basically,” I acknowledged. “Good wages well made.”

“Ha.”

“Another job well done,” Tyla told me.

“I got a lot out of it. I did a good thing,” I said. “My heart is at ease.” Or maybe I was just relieved enough to mistake that feeling for peace. I pulled a vial of Gai’s signature poison out of my clothing and chugged it down. “Ahhh! Time to drink!”

Over the next several hours, I slammed beers at the bar. They were dirt cheap, and I had a lot of company. I mostly stuck with Tyla and a few other female adventurers, but Fin was there too. We’d just finished a job together, and we chatted. There were worse people in the world.

By the time the sun started going down, I was well and truly sloshed.

“I’m, like, totally free to do whatever I want, you know?” I slurred, rolling my head into Tyla’s shoulder. “Like, absolutely free. Free, free, free! I’m freeeeee!”

“Yes, sweetie.” She gently patted my head. “You’ve said that a bunch of times now. I’m gonna put you down for a room here tonight, okay?”

“Okay!”

Tyla left me at the table with Fin, who was just as trashed as I was. He rested his chin on the table, trying his best not to fall asleep. If Fin succumbed, he’d only add to the number.

“Hey,” I slurred, directing my words at Fin, a thought I’d be wrestling with popping back into my head. “Do you like women or men?”

“I like women,” Fin said. He pointed a drunk finger at me. “I like you. You’re hot.”

“That’s not what I asked.” I moved across the table, slammed down my mug beside him, and stared into his eyes. “If you suddenly turned into a girl, and you kissed a guy, would you be straight?”

Fin’s head rocked back and forth, but he was clearly thinking through the question. “If you made the choice to do so, then no.”

“Yes.” Tyla had overheard us and came back to the table. She squeezed onto my other side. I hadn’t noticed it before, but she was a little tipsy, too.

“Hell no!” Fin argued immediately. “If you were a guy at one point, even if you change into a girl, you still used to like girls.” He looked at me. “I’m assuming that’s the case, right?”

I nodded.

“So, yeah!” Fin lightly hit the table. “If you remembered being a guy, turned into a girl, and suddenly like guys, you’re gay. That’s it. End of discussion!”

“But a girl kissing a guy is straight,” Tyla rebutted. “Doesn’t matter what you used to be. It’s a state of relation to another person. A guy kissing a girl is always straight, and the same sex kissing is always gay.”

“That’s too simple an answer.” Fin was suddenly very invested. “If you remember being a guy, if you liked women, you wouldn’t suddenly switch to liking men. Not unless something was seriously wrong with you beforehand.”

For some reason, the conversation was starting to bum me out.

“Just like both!” Tyla shouted. “Who gives a shit?! I do!”

“You do?” I slurred.

“Yeah! I don’t have the time to deal with labels and crap. We could all die tomorrow. I just wanna be happy!” Her cheeks were rosy red, and she hiccupped at the end of her speech. “What about you? What’s your answer? You posed the question? You’ve gotta have one.”

“I don’t have an answer. That’s why I asked,” I avoided.

“Booo!” Fin complained.

“Let’s just agree I’m right,” Tyla said. She grabbed my cheeks and shook my head side-to-side. “Tell me I’m right.”

She’s a very touchy drunk.

•••

Gai Regal

I got maybe an hour or two of sleep the night before. I spent most of the night staring at the ceiling, contemplating my recent conversations with Scarlet.

She was a sleep talker, so I knew she held trauma. Finding out she had reincarnated was far beyond what I expected. On top of that, her childhood was so depressing, I was surprised she had the will to keep going every day. It took a truly exceptional person to bounce back, to any degree, from years of abuse and neglect. It made her stronger. A part of me admired that.

The fact that she’d been through so much, trusted so little, and kissed me—it confused me as much as it warmed my heart.

I found myself, once again, touching my lips with the tips of my fingers.

“Gods,” I muttered, horrified. “I think this is love.”

It was baffling because I’d never experienced that feeling before. I’d had familial love. I’d felt lust several, several times. But genuine love? Never. Not in a million years. Never thought I would.

But my thoughts were soon replaced with red hair, green eyes, and a warm smile.

“Oh, Gods, I’m not even thinking about her tits.” I gripped my head in agony and rolled to my side in bed. “It’s like poison. Sick, demented poison.” I rolled back onto my back. “I want to see her.” I rolled to my other side. “Idiot. She’s going through stuff. Don’t make her life more difficult.” Back to my back. “I could help her. Then, she’ll lean on me and want me. Over time, she’ll—” I shook my head. “Love is awful. Why do people want this?”

As annoyed as I was, the feeling did lighten my heart a bit. It hit me so bad that the mere color red made me smile.

“Maybe I should go see her.” I bounced out of bed without a moment’s hesitation, suddenly very eager and full of energy. “It’s a beautiful day. We could go for a walk, and—”

I fell to my knees and stared at the ceiling, my expression void of emotions.

Who am I?

A knock at my door pulled me from my stupor. I pulled it open only to find Remi on the other side.

She peeked in my room and looked around, concerned etched across her face. I wasn’t used to seeing her worry. If she was like that, it had to involve Scarlet.

“What’s wrong?” My voice instinctively tensed.

“Have you seen Scarlet today?” Remi asked me.

“Not yet. It’s still early.”

“It’s three in the afternoon,” she chided.

“Oh? Sorry. Deep sleeper.”

“I cannot find her anywhere. She wasn’t by the pond either,” Remi mentioned. “Where else could she be?”

“Not here.” I gestured to my bed. “I wish.”

“Yeah, me too. It’d help her relax.” Remi let out a low breath and stared at me. “Help me look. You’d know where she’d be.”

“There’s not a lot of places we go. Most of the time, we stick around here because of the guard requirements with the recent killings,” I mentioned. “The only place we visit otherwise is the Guild Hall, but—”

I froze. Baron Embers appeared over Remi’s shoulder like a specter in the night. Remi, sensing his sudden appearance, shivered.

“Where?” Baron Embers asked with a cold, deathly smile playing on his lips.

I shuddered. Oh. I’m dead.

•••

Scarlet Embers

“We drink, we play, we fight all day!” I sang. “That’s just the life we live!”

The whole Guild Hall, at least those who were still drunk and stupid enough to still be around in the middle of the night, finished the song with me, chanting, “An adventurer’s life, we live!”

The song concluded. From my spot perched upon a table in the dining part of the hall, I took a bow and was met with a round of clapping. My most fervent fans, Tyla and Fin, clapped the loudest and helped me off the table once the mood settled.

“You really can do everything! Your voice is beautiful!” Tyla praised.

“Everything about her is beautiful.” Fin looked me over, wobbling where he stood. “Gods, they spent their time making you, didn’t they?”

I was so drunk, I blushed and pushed him, giggling. I may have knocked back a second vial of poison and was on the verge of browning out.

What time is it? Am I supposed to be somewhere? Ah, who gives a shit!

“Hey, Tyla.” I sat down on a bench at a table and patted the seat beside me, gesturing for her to join me. She did. “Am I pretty?”

“Very pretty,” she agreed.

“I basically said that,” Fin complained. “Acknowledge me!”

“You see, I’ve never been intimate with my fiancé,” I spilled. “You like him. I want to, but I’m scared, and my head’s messed up.” I jabbed my temple. “If the two of us did him together, it might be easier for me. How about it?”

I was dragging the stupidest buried thoughts out of my brain.

Tyla’s smile faltered for half a second, just long enough for something honest to slip through. Then the alcohol swallowed it, and she grinned again.

“Oh my gods, that would be so fun!” Tyla said, swaying. “We should go find him right now!”

“No, no, I don’t have the confidence!” I pleaded, pulling her back down to the seat. “It’s scary.”

“What? Gai?”

“Relationships! Sex! Love! All of it!” I belted. “It’s terrifying!”

Tavern music drowned us out, leaving the conversation to me, Tyla, and Fin.

“Do you need to ease into it or something?” Tyla put her arms around my neck. “Wanna make out?”

I blushed and tried to get away, but she held me tight. My entire body tensed, and I felt my fight-or-flight response kick in.

Love is a big part of life. I can’t be scared of it forever. I’ll only be lonely again.

Scrunching my face, I pressed forward and kissed her.

Oh? That’s tongue. Wow. She’s actually invested in this.

I created some space. Tyla did the same. We stared at each other, faces red, unable to speak.

Fin dropped beside us, eyes brimming as if touched by divinity. “Please.” He didn’t need to finish.

The absurdity made Tyla and me laugh, dissolving the intimacy as we broke apart and fell sideways.

Suddenly, the doors to the Guild Hall slammed open.

Footsteps thundered through the place. I paid them little mind. I was still too busy laughing.

A hand tapped my forehead. “Time to go,” said its owner.

With bleary eyes, I looked up.

Nigel was standing over me. He wore a grim expression. As I peered past him, I saw other familiar faces—several guards from our castle. Alexander was among them, too.

“What’s going on?” I asked Nigel, amazed I didn’t slur my words.

“The baron has learned you’re a guild member,” he explained. His expression was solid as stone. “You’re also drunk, past curfew, and without a guard.”

Even in my drunken state, that combination of words made me freeze, and my eyes widen.

Fin and Tyla had slowly crept away from us. They were still nearby but watched from a distance. The sudden arrival of knights sobered them up more than it did me.

Not bothering to answer, Nigel scooped me up princess-style and carried me away.

“H-Hey!” I struggled.

“I’d save your energy,” Nigel said. His voice was firm but gentle. “Things are going to go bad for you when we get back. Brace yourself.”