Julius Rictor - Chapter 39 - It Begins

As I lay in my bed two days after my final fight with Talbert, I could not help but contemplate my words and his for the hundredth time.

Talbert provided me with yet another perspective to dwell on, which I didn’t totally disagree with. I needed a beginning. I was trapped in some sort of prologue-like limbo. That was true. I felt it in my soul. But I didn’t agree with his conclusion.

That was all secondary to his story of meeting the Voiced Caine. It was the first indication I’d ever had of what might turn someone into one of the Voiced. Even with that information, though, I wasn’t sure it helped—or whether I wanted to become one, assuming that was even possible.

Not that it mattered. In the end, becoming something else or gaining power wouldn’t fix my heart or repair the scars left on my soul. That would take time, patience, and will.

I’d spent my first life abandoned and hurt. My original family left me. My foster home abused me. My friends used me. My lovers left me. I had nothing. I was trained to think that love meant being used, and I put that into my career and into my life.

But being Scarlet had changed that. I had never had people fight for me the way Remi and Gai had. Nigel and Alexander had been willing to face my father’s ire to train me when I was little. No one, and I mean no one, had ever done that for me in either of my lives. Scott was the closest, but he had a family, and he could never fully invest in me. Not when he had a family depending on him. And I never would have wanted that from him.

Remi cried for me. I hadn’t even realized how much I’d been neglecting others for my own sake. My desire for freedom had not been selfish. My insistence that I pursue it alone was. Behind the scenes, my parents had gone to war against people more powerful than they were on my behalf and kept me in the dark about it for several years. It was their way of loving me and keeping me safe.

I was surrounded by people who genuinely seemed to care for and love me. It scared me as deeply as I desired it.

“Freedom,” I whispered, staring at the ceiling. My nightgown clung to me as the morning sun streamed in through my bedroom window. “Protect those who love me, love those I love, live without regrets, and do what I can so others can live the same way.” I blinked away the tears forming in my eyes. “I think that’s the answer.”

I shot up in bed and wiped my face. I punched my chest and cleared my throat.

“Holy shit, I feel light now!” I gripped the sides of my head. “So much better.” I grimaced. “Now I just need to act on it.”

At the thought of that, I lay back in bed.

“Coward,” I called myself.

Resolved again, I popped up. Gown on, I hurried to the door, pulled it open, and immediately peered to the right.

“Parents, check. We’re good. Never thought that would happen. Mostly my fault,” I muttered, still in my nightgown as I trudged down the halls. Guards and maids watched me in surprise and horror at my dress, but I paid them little mind. “Loverboy next. Get him back on my side. Then friends. Apologize and reconcile. Then the asshole trying to ruin my life. Do what I can and must.” I let out a low breath. “Once that’s done, I’ll have the peace to think and dream. I can be a peacekeeper if Dad keeps his word about that job. It might be good for me.”

I found Gai’s room and turned the handle. It was, as always, unlocked. Inside, I saw him lying in bed. Empty vials of poison and discarded whiskey bottles sat around him.

Geez, he had a go of it, didn’t he?

I crossed over to the side of his bed, peered over him, leaned down, and whispered, “Wake up.”

No response.

I held his nose.

One, two, thr—

Gai sprang up gasping.

“Good morning, traitor!” I smiled at him, putting my hands behind my back and pushing my chest forward. “Does your head hurt? I hope it does.”

Gai looked at me and rubbed his eyes. They were bloodshot, and he looked sickly. That took some effort to achieve, given he was an Eater. Gifts naturally healed the body, so for him to look like this meant he’d wrung his body to the very edge.

I placed a hand on his forehead. “Hmm. Warm. But you’re cooling down. You probably need to eat something.”

Gai placed his hand over mine and looked me in the eyes. “Are you still mad?”

I shook my head. “Not really. I got all my anger out of my system.”

“And?”

“And…” I nearly bit my lip, but it needed to be said. “I apologize for only ever considering myself and making decisions based purely on my own desires. I know that everyone is doing what they are doing for me because they care about me. I’m just not good at handling that, and I lashed out. I apologize.” I puffed out my cheeks. “You’re still an ass for tattling on me to my friends and for telling them about the Voiced, but I understand why you did it. Dickhead.”

Gai stared at me like an alien had squirmed into my flesh and taken over my body. His stupid expression made me want to throw something at him again, but I held back.

“What brought this on?” he asked me, his body language relaxing and his face softening.

I sighed. “I feel like I’ve conflated success with selfishness, and it’s made my life markedly worse. Ever since our engagement, I’ve felt like I’ve been losing my sense of self and struggling to find a purpose.” I paused. “Ever since I didn’t jump off the castle walkway, I think. I’ve been reeling since then. Couple that with abandonment issues and… well, I’m not good at handling others. I like helping others. I don’t like it when they help me.” I exhaled quickly. “But I want to do better.”

Gai’s expression darkened. There was a trace of sadness in his gaze.

“Why did you change?” I suddenly asked him.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“The Gai I met months ago wouldn’t have tried to keep me confined to this place,” I said. “You’d have indulged my immaturity and pushed me to be independent.”

He looked at me. His expression hinted at deeper thoughts, but they never reached his face. I had no idea what was going on in his head.

“I suddenly wanted to protect you,” he said.

“Isn’t that what you were doing before?” I teased.

“No, I was saving you before. This is different.”

“Why?”

He tensed, then his face relaxed. “Because I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.”

“Huh?”

Gai covered his mouth with his hand. His face immediately went red, and he turned away.

I stared, stunned. “Huh?” I repeated. “Huh?!”

“I didn’t say anything,” Gai asserted. He did not dare look my way. “That was supposed to be an inside thought,” he lied. “Ignore me.”

“What do you mean you think you love me?!” I could feel my own face turning red. “What does that even mean?!”

“I don’t know,” Gai said calmly, like a great weight had lifted off his chest. “I’ve never been in love before, I don’t think.”

“Neither have I!” I snapped back angrily for some reason. My tone settled. “How do you know?”

“Please, stop.”

“I am curious.” I paused. “I do not think anyone has ever said that to me before,” I realized.

Gai’s eyes softened. “That cannot be true. People have said it to me dozens of times.”

Ignoring that last sentence, I searched back through my past life. Past relationships. Friendships.

Holy shit, no one has ever told me they loved me. Ever. Not once. My current parents, but that’s it. I don’t think I heard it once in my last life.

“Oh, shit. It is true.” Gai suddenly moved closer and hugged me to him, causing me to collapse against him on the bed. His finger slid beneath my eye, wiping away tears I had not known I was shedding. “I’m sorry.”

“It is fine,” I said. My voice cracked. “I don’t think I’ve ever known how to love anyone properly. I don’t even love myself.”

Because in my heart, I knew that I—

I winced.

“It’s the way you sleep,” Gai said suddenly.

“What? What are you talking about?”

“The first time I felt something for you, I think,” Gai muttered. “You were hugging yourself in your sleep like you were cold. I watched you. You thrashed in place, talking to yourself. Then you rolled into me, and your whole body relaxed. You stopped talking and moved closer to me. It felt… nice.”

For some reason, I smiled a little.

“I’ve had a lot of girls in my arms and never felt anything. It was surprising.”

I frowned and pushed him away. “Thanks for that.”

He pulled me back in. “I then found myself thinking about you more than I did myself.”

I tried to look away, but he turned my chin until we were facing each other.

“Say what you’re thinking,” Gai said. “It won’t hurt me. I know the answer.”

I frowned, feeling awful, like I was letting him down. “I don’t think I can love another person,” I said. “Not the way you want me to. You know enough to understand why.”

“That is fine.”

“It is not.”

“No, it is.” He rolled me sideways. Lying on his bed, we looked each other in the eyes. “Remember what we talked about when we first met?” He rested his forehead against mine. “I do whatever I want, when I want. And that happens to be you. You don’t have to return my feelings. That doesn’t make what I feel less real. It’s not like I have anyone else I want to give my heart to.”

It was, quite honestly, the first time in my entire existence that someone had bared their heart so openly to me. I literally had nothing to say. I could barely breathe.

I need to tell him the full truth about my past.

As soon as that thought hit me, a wave of nausea slammed into my stomach. My eyes widened, and I put a hand over my mouth and started gagging. I rolled off the bed and fell to my knees.

“What’s wrong?!” Gai slid out and crouched beside me.

I held up a hand and turned away from him. “Flashbacks. It is nothing.”

“It didn’t seem like nothing.”

I stayed silent for a while. My head was spinning. Eventually, I got the nausea under enough control to turn back to Gai.

I can’t be what he needs me to be. Ever. I don’t even know if I want it.

“Help me up,” I ordered.

Gai did. When I was on my feet, I wiped sweat from my brow.

I need him. I won’t change if I keep doing everything by myself, and I can’t imagine a better person at my side. I don’t even want to.

“Help me stop this killer,” I told him. “I can’t do it alone. We’re a good team. We can do it.”

Gai stiffened.

“I want you,” I continued. “And Remi. Alexander. Nigel. Together, we can stop this.”

He backed up a step and crossed his arms. “So we’re moving on just like that?” he muttered.

“Yes,” I told him simply. “The killings involve me, whether we like that or not. I was called out. It’s my duty to do something.”

“No, it’s not.”

“It is. It doesn’t matter what you say—it’s how I feel.” I put my hands behind my back and rocked on my feet. “It’s unfortunately part of my charm. I’m stubborn.”

“It is.” He shook his head. “Dammit, I’m with you, but we do this properly. We bring in the others, stay together, and no one goes off alone.”

“Just like that?” I asked, surprised.

“The heart is a weird little muscle,” Gai complained. “I don’t get it either.” He nodded toward the door. “Let’s go get the others.” He glanced at me. “After you change.”

I looked down. Seeing the sheer nightgown I was wearing, I quickly crossed my arms over my chest and hunched to make my body seem smaller.

“Adorable,” Gai commented.

“Shut up!”

•

We found Alexander relatively easily. Gai knew where he liked to hide from work. He dragged Alexander along as we went to find Nigel, who was finishing a training round with the cadets. Remi was going over evidence with other Rangers when Gai helped drag her away.

We convened out in the courtyard where the crack in the wall used to be. It was perfectly sealed now. There was no damage leading out of the castle. Everything was inside and secure now with no escape.

It was ironic, in retrospect.

I sighed and looked between my friends. They looked curious, waiting for me to speak. Gai and I had been very vague about what I wanted, but they likely knew the general topic. It was about the killer. I wanted their help with him. They were not sure exactly what I planned to ask.

No point wasting time. Better get right to it.

Carefully, I dropped to my knees on the grass and bowed my head. “Please, help me.”

It was a powerful thing for a noble to bow their head to a commoner, regardless of the commoner’s status. Even at the bottom rung of the noble hierarchy, I was high above commoners. Knights and Rangers were exceptional people, but they were servants at the end of the day, albeit highly trained ones. In terms of class, they were still commoners.

So there I was, a noble bowing to commoners in front of another noble, and a duke’s son, at that.

I did not care about the formality or ramifications. The prestige that came with nobility never interested me. I came from a modern world. The class system was bullshit in my eyes. It was why I was so casual with Remi, Alexander, and Nigel compared with how other nobles treated their servant counterparts.

In no world did a noble bow to a commoner, regardless of how close they were. There was always a dividing line that kept them from ever truly interacting with each other, like two worlds separated by a pane of glass.

And with one simple motion, I shattered it.

It showed my absolute trust. More than the trust Remi was asking for as my protector and training partner. More than the loose concept of friendship we had joked about over the years.

I put myself below them because we were equal. That is what that gesture meant in that world.

“Hey, hey, hey, get up!” Remi was on the ground pulling my arm. “What are you doing?!”

Nigel and Alexander were stunned into complete silence. They did not even move. Gai was equally taken aback. I hadn’t told him my plan beforehand.

“I come to you as a friend, not a noble or your lady. Whatever walls had been raised between us, I would see them shattered,” I said resolutely, sitting up and staying on my knees. I looked Remi in the eyes, then let my gaze move across the guys. “I see you all as my equals.” I grabbed Remi and pulled her close, much to her surprise. Her chin rested on my chest. “You are the closest thing I have to a sister.” My gaze drifted to Alexander. “A younger brother.” To Nigel. “An older brother. You are my family. You have risked yourselves for my happiness, and I have never returned the favor. I am sorry.”

I felt Remi stiffen. Alexander and Nigel both looked as if I had stabbed them in the guts.

“Me too, I guess.” Gai got down on his knees and bowed, though not as low.

At that, Nigel and Alexander desperately tried to lift Gai before he could complete the gesture. It was bad enough that I was bowing to them. If Gai were ever to take over his father’s title, he would technically be in line for succession should the king, the princes, and the archduke all die. He would be in competition with four other people in Zalevet. That put him closer to the throne than I would ever be as the daughter of a single baron out in the sticks.

“I do not give a damn about being a noble, so it is fine. Let’s be equals,” Gai said. He lifted his head too. “We all live and die. It’s enough.”

The three of them stared at us in stunned silence.

“Help me. Not as guard. Not as Knights or Rangers. As my friends, who I trust with my very soul,” I said to them, earning their quiet attention. “I will do everything in my power to protect you three. So please.”

Everyone was quiet.

The three of them nodded as if in a trance, but their eyes were resolute.

Then, a voice rang out throughout the entire city.

“People of Water’s Bastion, listen to my message,” the voice said. It was masculine and distorted, and somehow able to reach everyone in the city. “My name is Purpose, and I am here with a simple message: suffer and die.”

Several explosions sounded throughout Water’s Bastion, the city surrounding Castle Grey’s island.

We all jerked upright and watched as smoke rose into the sky. It was hard to see over the castle walls.

All of us jumped into action. I used my tendrils to carry Gai and me onto the wall while Remi, Nigel, and Alexander used their own abilities to do the same.

What we saw shocked us.

Water’s Bastion was divided into five quadrants, all connected by bridges. At the center of them sat the island upon which Castle Grey stood. Each quadrant had thousands of people living and working in it. In total, close to 300,000 people lived in the city.

In each quadrant, smoke rose, and flames raged.

“We are the survivors of the Bastion Rebellion,” the distorted voice said again, seemingly coming from everywhere. “The usurper Jonathan Embers must be punished, his family, too. They are equally involved in his sins. Those of you who stand in our way will be killed. Many of you will die. It is your punishment for being deceived and controlled by a pretender.”

The five of us held our breath.

“Bring his family to me,” Purpose concluded. “Destroy this symbol of oppression. Kill all those who stand in our way!” He boomed. “REVOLUTION!!!”